sherlock

i’ve been calling theo all night and no answer so i can only conclude that he’s mad at me (for no logical reason) …. and i believe what’s running through his mind is “since she’s not having sex with me, she must be having it with someone else.” in fact, i know beyond a shadow of a doubt this is what he’s thinking because he already told me and his own brain must be eating him alive about it. he also told me he thought about having sex with someone else but not telling me about it. sigh … where do i find these guys? i mean, seriously, are *ALL* the guys in the world like this? am i crazy? am i nuts? or maybe i’m so stupid in thinking that sex is not important when it actually is? sex is cool but i don’t dwell on it. i mean like kudos, thanks for being honest about it so my reply was “i don’t understand theo. why do you have to do it at all?” he doesn’t have sex for about a month and he like gets sexually frustrated. he says that he doesn’t come around my house anymore because when he gets around me, he wants to have sex and he knows i’m going to “reject” him and he doesn’t like rejection, so he gets mad. first of all, i mean we aren’t married, we’re talking but i’m not his girlfriend, his divorce from his previous wife is still not finalized because she hasn’t signed the divorce papers, meaning he has about 5 more years to go before the divorce defaults. if i don’t want to have sex, don’t i have the right to say no? how am i wrong here? all i do is say no when he asks the question, i dont like push him away or anything but he perceives it as rejection then he gets all emo. don’t get me wrong, the sex with him is the bomb, HOWEVER i am just not in the mood. so then he’s like you used to be all the time just like me and now you’re not. and i replied umm yea, that was like 7 years ago dude. you’ve dumped me like 5 times for another girl (the same girl), have had 3 other children with someone else between that time, lied, cheated, and everything else in between since then. so it’s obvious he’s been ping-ponging back and forth between me and her when he doesn’t get it from either. he says he went back to her because of the kids =/

and i guess you’re asking why take him back after all that? it’s because he says he’s changed. yeah, he finally had a rude awakening about her after she ruined his once good credit, broke into his apartment damaging all his furniture, almost committed suicide, cheated on him with her babys daddy and with another girl 0.o, made him lose his apartment and his house, brought drama to both his grandmother’s and mom’s house which resulted in the police coming over, he went to jail for 4 months behind her, and has been to jail other times as well behind disturbances because of their arguments and there are probably other things he hasn’t told me.

and true be it, i don’t call him much anymore like i used to because he pisses me off by not responding to anything i say, and then out the blue he asks “are we having sex tonight”? i mean jeez, dude, were you listening to anything i was saying in between? he said the last time a girl had stopped having sex with him, she was seeing another guy. i told him i wasnt seeing anyone else, i’m just not in the mood. i’m 29 years old, my energy is burnt out as far as cheating; that just simply takes too much energy. i’ve had maybe like 5 boyfriends my entire life and i’ve never cheated on any of them. it’s just not my style. my mind revolves too much around my current boyfriend that i didn’t even find anyone else attractive.

i don’t know what to say or think; he said he has thought about cutting it off with me. all i can think of is that if and when he does cut me off, it would all be because i wasn’t having sex with him. i guess most girls would boo-hoo if a guy they really loved stopped dealing with them, but for some reason, if theo does cut me off, i wouldn’t shed a tear because is if the only reason he could come up with was sex, i really can’t find a reason to cry over a guy for that. i can see if i cheated, stole something from him, or something deceitful like that but over sex? Meh, he’d just get thrown into the pile with my high school boyfriends who dumped me for not having sex with them too.

i told him from jump that i was not looking for a relationship; i guess i should have been more specific and said that included sex as well. it’s exactly situations like this why i said i didn’t want to get involved in one. i’m burnt out and i’ve got toooo many other troubles going on to be worried about someone getting all emo and keepin track of a man, wondering if he’s gonna cheat on me, or if his stupid ghetto girlfriend/wife is gonna manage to get my phone number and leave my voicemail box filled with a dozen or so nasty messages. a relationship and sex seems too trivial in the light that i am unemployed and the job pool is drying up for my field here. i’m getting unemployment atm but still, it’s only enough money to pay my bills; no shopping, entertainment or anything. i’m not a government check kind of person; i don’t like the idea of uncle sam controlling and monitoring the income i’m getting from it. i’m living with my Mom and that shit is getting on my nerves too. not to mention peugeot’s homeless ass is still here funkin up the apartment and his clutter has taken up the whole downstairs. naw dude, i hate living like this. he needs to move on too and get the fuck out.